Tag Archives: 2l

Morning Coffee and Reminiscent Rambles

It is 10:16 am and I have yet to have my morning coffee. This strikes me as a very poor time to write a blog post. But it is also the only downtime I have today so if I’m going to post anything more substantial than, “Going AWOL till Monday. Will fill you in later”…this is it. 

(I just took a sip. Reason slowly breaks through the fog of my brain.)

I met with a 1L yesterday (for coffee! I love coffee.) As I reminisced about the horrors of my first year of law school, I remembered that I gave up coffee for those first 3 months or so. At the time everyone was like, “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!”

And to be honest, even now I am like “WHAT WAS I THINKING?!”

(Another sip. Ahhh, warm and delicious.) 

But I was drowning and just trying to survive. My anxiety already spiked through the roof on a daily basis, I did not need a caffeine shot to help it. 

Today I met with a fellow 3L (it was supposed to be for coffee but I could not find parking so we literally drove around for 40 minutes and missed the coffee-getting window. Why do I live in a city?!)

We reminisced about how awful 1L year was. And then how terrible 2L year turned out to be. Then with a sigh, we shrugged and switched to which state bar to take. 

(Three sips in an I’m almost human.)

Lawyers often told me growing up not to go to law school. I was always deeply offended by it. ‘There is no other way to become a lawyer except by going to law school,’ I would think angrily. ‘What unreasonable advice you give!’

But now I understand it. I try not to give the same advice I heard because, honestly, it only made me more stubborn and determined to go. But I understand that the words did not come from a place of job security or mockery. They were genuinely trying to save me from some pretty miserable experiences. 

Yet we go through pain to grow. I don’t think I would repeat 1L and 2L year even if you paid me. (I mean, knowing what I know now it would probably be easier but I am presuming I would repeat without knowing what I know now.) But I don’t regret who I am for having gone through it. 

At least, not today. 

Check back in once I’m actually graduated. Or finished my cup of coffee. 

(Ahhhh, coffee.)


Killing Perfectionism

I sort of tumble through Tuesdays as a general rule of thumb but today felt particularly bad. I actually did the readings for my first class but when the professor called on me, I hadn’t a clue what the answer was. Unfortunately, it proved to be a rather vital point so he pointed at me every time it came up for the rest of class. 

I had about an hour till my second class and I planned to read for it beforehand. But turns out I left my textbook at home. And as it happens, this professor cold calls so I had to own up to not doing the reading so I wouldn’t get called on. It is quite demoralizing to admit to someone that even though you’ve had an entire week to do the readings, you didn’t. 

Then my third class. I did the reading. It didn’t matter; I barely understand a word of Immigration Law. 

And then finally my fourth class, where I don’t have the textbook yet so I didn’t read for it. 

It doesn’t sound too bad listing it like that. But when you add in trying to prep for discussion groups tomorrow and wrapping up a project for my Foundation job and the guilty knowledge that final edits on my law review article are due and, oh, any other number of e-mails and projects slipping out of my grasp….it feels exhausting. 

And I am reminded that every semester I tell myself I won’t listen to the perfectionist in my head. I will do what I can and make the best of how it turns out. But it still stings. I want to do it all. I want to be perfectly prepared for class. I want As. I want to turn in perfect work assignments and spout wisdom to my students and somehow maintain a social life and be a good big sister while I’m at it. 

And I just can’t. I need to intentionally give up my expectations. Physically set them aside and say ‘no.’ So I do. And once I do I think I’m done for good. But no, it sneaks back. Again and again and again. The pressure to Do Better. To be perfect. 

And then I go and forget my textbook at home. 

I don’t know what this semester will bring. I hoped it would be less than last year. From a pure “listing” of things, it is less. But being a 3L comes with new types of responsibility. (If I’m even a 3L, as Thailand hasn’t sent my official transcript to the law school yet so as far as any formal records show, I’m a semester behind and still a 2L…but that’s a rant for another day.) 

I know there is an entire spiritual element missing from this post. God pours many blessings into my life. And sometimes I do recognize and appreciate that fact. But if I’m honest, perfectionism hurts me in my spiritual journey as much as anywhere. I don’t live up to the goals I set for myself. I don’t read the Bible or pray nearly as much as I should. And so I just let that weigh on me, yet another “extra” that doesn’t get accomplished. 

It isn’t so much a battle with perfectionism as a war. Some battles perfectionism wins. Some I win. And some days, like today, it ends in a draw because I’m too tired and confused to process anything. 


First Day of School

Neighbor: “Can I give you a compliment?”

Me: “Sure!”

Neighbor: “You look nice!”

Me: “Thank you! First day of school!”

Neighbor: “Well, you kill it in that little black dress!”

Bring on 2L year!