Tag Archives: emotions

The Overabundant Emotions of Orientation

What a week it has been! 

Orientations are always a little awkward. New school, new place, new people. I find it extremely stressful. As a rule, I like people. However, the balancing act of making a good first impression (over and over and over again), while scouting potential friends and study buddies, while also attempting to find the bathroom is a little bit too much for me. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted and frustrated and convinced everything went horrendously wrong. Then I wake up the next morning and discover that the world has not, in fact, ended and that I’m energized and ready to try again. After all, it has only been 24 hours. New friends, here I come. 

But it is hard to make friends. First strangers must become acquaintances, and then acquaintances must be developed and nurtured into friends. This can take time. I want immediacy. Frustration creeps in. I start to convince myself that I am not going to make any friends, that I’m isolated…and then I remember. I only met these people 48 hours ago. I need to give it time. 

But you see, it doesn’t feel like 48 hours. It feels like a lifetime. By the end of the day I’m exhausted. I don’t want to attend the optional, evening events my classmates are attending. I don’t want to join them as they go from bar to bar. Their idea of a good time is not my idea of a good time. I start worrying that they will all bond without me but I’m just Too. Dang. Tired. to care. I need alone time to put things back into perspective. It has only been 72 hours. I have 3 years to make friends. 

And so I stress myself out. I worry that I should be more social and then I worry because I don’t want to be social. I’m tired of small talk but I want what small talk can eventually brings…deep conversations. 

How to describe orientation? Bewildering and isolating. And yet…there are those moments that make it worth it. Like exploring the library. I’m so excited about the law library. I could (and probably will!) spend hours down there. There are so many books with dry sounding titles that make my mouth water. I’m so eager to dig into legal theory and jurisprudence that it will be a struggle to prioritize my actual studies of contracts and civil procedures.  I’m not worried though. Those things fascinate me too. I’m going to take advantage of this legal education. 

The law librarians also make orientation better. They are wonderful. So are the professors I’ve met. I can’t wait for them to start keeping office hours so I can drop by and talk. It is hard to stay discouraged when I feel so confident about what I’m doing. The law is definitely the subject for me! The more I hear, the more encouraged I am. I am more and more convinced that this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. 

Friends will come. When not overtired, I’m confident in this too. It will just take time. After all, I have only known them for 4 days.

That is my week in a nutshell. Don’t worry, I’m not nearly as emotionally unstable as I sound! I’m just impatient (and prone to dramatics.) Classes start Wednesday and they are going to be awesome. Blogging is very cathartic. I remember why I used to do this every day. Hopefully you’ll be hearing from me more consistently! 

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I feel naked with only one phone…

For the first time in a very long time, I no longer have two phones, two laptops, two credit cards, and a constant feeling that I’m ignoring something I should be doing for work. It is a strangely empty feeling. It isn’t like having a phantom limb as much as feeling like there is a large, empty space somewhere inside me where tension used to be. My responsibility is now gone. 

I know this is a temporary feeling and I’ll be back to work in three days, but it still surprises me. Of all the emotions I imagined, “emptiness” was not one of them. I think I might get sick. I’ve been fighting a sore throat this morning. The tension and emotions of the past few weeks have finally knocked me down and now I just want to sleep and avoid people. However, I can’t do that because there are only 3 days till I leave for the summer and people want to see me. I didn’t plan this very well! 

Oh well, enough of my whining. I’m going to take advantage of introvert time while I can and hopefully it will be enough to get me through the next few days!


A K Drama Evening (sort of)

Since I am in the middle of a couple different currently-airing Korean dramas, I decided yesterday to re-watch one. Alas, the process went something like this…

Me: I’m going to pick a favorite drama to re-watch! How hard can choosing one be? I really love Who Are YouI can re-watch that one.

Also me: But…I really love Master’s Sun, too. And Stars Falling From the Sky. And Healer. 

Me again: Why not finish one I started and stopped watching? I got too emotionally invested in I Hear Your Voice so I quit, but that was years ago. I could try that one again.

Me: If I’m going to finish a drama I got too involved in, I should finish Shut Up Flower Boy Band.

Also me: Or King 2 Hearts.

Me: *sobs internally* 

Me: Better not put myself through that. 

Me again: Start a new drama! How about the classic Shining Inheritance? Or I Am Sam. 

Also me: Finish one you quit! Finish High School King of Savvy! 

Me: Bethany hated that drama. 

Bethany: ….

Me: I’m going to go with Who Are You. There. Decision made! 

Me again: Which episode? 

Me:

Me: Obviously I’m not finding anything on DramaFever. Better check Viki. 

Repeat the above scene times 10. 

In the end, I didn’t watch anything! I went to bed. 

The struggle is real.


ENFPs & the Emo Mode

If there is one thing ENFPs like, it is self-discovery. I love reading about my personality type and if you are looking for something, Heidi Priebe writes especially great articles.  However, my favorite article hands down is Your ENFP Care And Handling User Guide And Manual. (Clink on the link to read the article.) 

Not only is this article relatable and funny (or at least I assume it is for those of you who have to live with me) but it has this marvelous paragraph under “Modes” that reads: 

Emo – Activated seemingly randomly by a large influx of emotion that your ENFP unit must withdraw and analyze in order to understand and integrate. occurs approximately one (1) out of every fifteen (15) days. Completion of this mode is often signaled by your ENFP unit announcing it has learned something new about itself.

I nearly shouted out loud when I came upon that passage. “YES! THAT IS IT!” Someone put it into words! ENFPs are the most introverted of the extroverts; we like people but we also are big on self-understanding and that takes quiet and withdrawal. Sometimes it is simply for recharging. However, at least for me, I often mentally and emotionally withdraw for a time because I feel the need to reevaluate my goals or motivation and gain some new understanding of myself. When I’ve emerged, I feel more complete and satisfied. Hence, I suppose, the “Emo Mode.” 

Since I’m a verbal processor, the process doesn’t always mean withdrawing. It sometimes involves simply talking things through with a friend. The process and result, however, are often the same. 

Anyway, in writing this I am less motivated by a desire that you all “understand” me and more by a hope that this will in turn help others understand themselves better. Sometimes, it helps just having someone else put it into words! 


A Re-rereview of The Blue Sword

Today I finished re-reading The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley…again. Not only have I read this particular book countless times, I have reviewed on this blog before. However, once again I find myself disagreeing with an earlier opinion. I loved the story in high school, found it disappointing in college, and now love it again. I love because in it I see the younger me, but also because I see the current me too. I see the themes, ideas, and characters that fed me. It is like the Inkheart quote:

“Isn’t it odd how much fatter a book gets when you’ve read it several times?…As if something were left between the pages every time you read it. Feelings, thoughts, sounds, smells…and then, when you look at the book again many years later, you find yourself there, too, a slightly younger self, slightly different, as if the book had preserved you like a pressed flower…both strange and familiar.”

The Blue Sword is an old friend. We had a bit of a separation, but now we are good again. In fact, better. Looking at the story now, I realize what an impact it had on me. It wasn’t that I wanted to visit Damar, like I would Narnia. It was rather that I wanted to be Hari, in a way I never felt about Susan or Lucy. I emotionally connected with her. I understood her boredom and I wanted to escape it like she did. I wanted to go on a quest. I wanted to discover secret guardians and magical abilities. I wanted to be a brilliant horsewoman and swordsman and save the day. I loved Hari for her confusion and frustration and emotions. I loved her for her courage. I wanted to face the world with the same determination as Hari; I too wanted to be part of something greater.

In 2011, I raved about the book but claimed it was only a 4 star. In 2013, I semi-criticized my own contentment and basically declared myself too grown up for the story. Now, I find myself a little older and (I hope) a little wiser and I relate more to C.S. Lewis’s words to his goddaughter, “Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” For me in 2016, this is beyond a 5 star read. This is a cherished memory.

I am always drawn to authors who claim Robin McKinley as a favorite author. It is like we share a secret understanding about fantasy and what makes it good. This book is at a level with my other favorite fantasy novels, like Plain Kate, The Silver Bowl Series (the first two, at any rate), The Queen’s Thief Series and The Chronicles of Prydain. However, it tops them because it comes with a special connection from growing up. I treasure The Blue Sword because of that, and I hope I won’t lose thta knowledge again.