Tag Archives: life

Midterm Musings

I accidentally gave up coffee again. I really didn’t mean to, but here a week has gone by and I haven’t had a drop. I used to drink at least three cups a day. There is something comforting in the thought that I can fall out of my bad habits quite as easily as my good ones.

The problem started with midterms. I had my first ever law school exam on Monday. The Thursday before, I started throwing up and blamed a 24 hour bug. By Saturday, I acknowledged that it was probably nerves (and possibly coffee withdrawal.) I remained nauseous through Tuesday morning.

I have never been someone with test anxiety so it is rather embarrassing to experience it now. I find it perfectly understandable that someone else might be nervous, but me? The thought takes me down a peg.

Or six.

So goes law school. I want to blog more but attending law school is a lot like walking fast up a steep hill in high heels. I know I am getting somewhere, and I will have great calves when I get there, but in the moment I am afraid that if I try and talk about it, all you will hear are my gasps and sobs. 

My brain knows that this all part of a bigger process, but I am not sure my heart does yet. I am broken down to be built up. I will eventually reach the top of the hill and it will be worth it. However, here in the weeds, it is easy to forget that. Emotionally I feel drained. My habits, good and bad, are erratic and the thought of quitting crosses my mind at least once a day. I feel socially isolated and academically unmotivated. The future seems dim and uncertain. I have always been the girl with a goal, now my goals shift and flutter and fall apart. 

Everyone tells me that I am normal, that this is just the way law school is. Sometimes that knowledge helps, sometimes not. After all, I did not come here to be everyone else. Yet, at the same time, it is comforting. The faculty and staff here get it. They went through this. The 2 and 3Ls may smirk knowingly, but at the end of the day, they survived. I will too. 

Amidst my  angst and uncertainty, there still remains an unshakable confidence. I like being here. I am happy. I am challenged. I don’t want to quit (usually.) The law is fun and I am learning interesting things. This is a world I enjoy being part of. I like the fast-paced learning style and the substantial amount of stuff I know now that I did not know two months ago. I can see my progress quite easily.

The disconnect comes when I turn around and try to see my future. People at the law school always ask me what kind of law I want to practice, and then tell me that no one actually knows anyway, so if you do know, you don’t know, so don’t stress. Simple, right? If only. It is a weird mix of “don’t have a plan” but simultaneously “try everything so you can make a plan.” Oh, but also, “don’t overwhelm yourself.” Yet while not overwhelming yourself, “MAKE SURE YOU GET GOOD GRADES.” Ahhhh, but there is a curve, so statistically, you won’t make good grades. But that is okay, because everybody gets a job eventually. (Probably.) Now go figure out what kind of law you want to practice, so that you can network in that area. But remember, don’t have a plan.  

Is it any wonder the law is full of alcoholics? 

In this mess, I got nauseous and stressed and accidentally gave up coffee. Now I think I should make a concerted effort to stay off it. The last thing I need is another stimulus. We’ll see how long this good intention lasts!  With the way life has been going, I may be downing six cups tomorrow. 

I think I will make it a little longer than that, though. 

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A Delightful Day

I think Tuesday/Thursdays are going to be my favorite days. At least, today turned out to be really fun. Here are some highlights: 

  • On my way to school, a homeless man told me I was beautiful! (In full disclosure, he also asked me for apple juice so he might have been just buttering me up.) 
  • I made a new friend! (Not the homeless man, though he did ask for my number.) 
  • I got free pizza at lunch.
  • I won a Starbucks gift card! (Won might be too strong a word. I was given it because I got cold called on twice my first day of classes and the lady at the Lexis Advance training was very sympathetic.) 
  • I wore my hair in a low bun all day and it STAYED! (Yay perms!) 
  • I read a book for fun between classes called Loyalty and Legislative Action: A Survey of Activity by the New York State Legislature 1919-1949 by Lawrence H. Chamberlain and it was so unexpectedly good I gave it 5 stars. 
  • My roommate bought me KIMCHI so I got to eat that with my dinner.  

All in all, a delightful day. 


I feel naked with only one phone…

For the first time in a very long time, I no longer have two phones, two laptops, two credit cards, and a constant feeling that I’m ignoring something I should be doing for work. It is a strangely empty feeling. It isn’t like having a phantom limb as much as feeling like there is a large, empty space somewhere inside me where tension used to be. My responsibility is now gone. 

I know this is a temporary feeling and I’ll be back to work in three days, but it still surprises me. Of all the emotions I imagined, “emptiness” was not one of them. I think I might get sick. I’ve been fighting a sore throat this morning. The tension and emotions of the past few weeks have finally knocked me down and now I just want to sleep and avoid people. However, I can’t do that because there are only 3 days till I leave for the summer and people want to see me. I didn’t plan this very well! 

Oh well, enough of my whining. I’m going to take advantage of introvert time while I can and hopefully it will be enough to get me through the next few days!


Gratitude

A lot has been changing for me lately and I will be free to say more about that in the next few weeks. For now, I just want to share in the vaguest possible way how grateful I am for those around me. I’ve been feeling some strain because I haven’t been able to share on this blog some of the emotions whirling around inside my head. Gratitude, however, is not one I need to keep contained. 

I’m grateful for my family. Moving home after college could have been a really hard decision. I have never regretted it. My parents and siblings are incredibly supportive and kind. They put up with a lot from me and are fun to be around. Seriously, I have a wonderful family. I’m grateful for this time with them. I’m grateful for my extended family too. I have the best aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. It has been so nice to be near them, even if I do not see them all the time. 

I’m grateful for my friends: both the new ones and the old ones. I never expected to find such community in my small home town. I’m grateful for continued friendships from college and high school. I’ve got to travel and visit and bond over the past two years with some really awesome people. 

Though full of ups and downs, life is good. God is good. I’m grateful for where I am at. 


Books Vs. Time

I have barely read anything since the month of April began and I am seriously stressed out by that. I had a nice lead on my 2017 Reading Challenge and it is slowly dwindling away. To combat this, I have gone to the library several times and checked out a plethora of books. 

The thing is, that is not where the problem lies. It isn’t that I do not want to read, it is that I do not have time to read. While I know that, I don’t like acknowledging it. It is so much easier to think, ‘Oh, I just need to find the right book to get me reading,’ than it is to think, ‘I need to manage my time better if I want to read later.’

However, I have been very responsible and have not been reading. My overflowing library basket can attest to that! 

EDIT: Also, full disclosure, I’ve been watching more K Dramas than normal so that might also play a part in this.


One Year…

I have an exciting announcement. Are you ready for this? *drum roll please*

Today marks…ONE YEAR OF BLOGGING EVERY DAY!! 

I never thought I would make it this long. I assumed that blogging consistently would be like any other hobby I have tried, momentarily consuming and eventually forgotten. (RIP -crocheting, Spanish, and anime.) Somehow, however, blogging has persisted, and I think that is because writing every day gives me a platform to talk about what interests me in the moment. It supersedes my short term focus by encompassing everything!

I started blogging every day because I heard on a podcast (another forgotten hobby) that doing so would make you a better, more rounded person. I think the speaker meant blogging about current events and world injustices and other, serious things. I fall short of that. However, blogging has taught me some important things…

  • Short is good. 
  • When in doubt, write a book review. 
  • Procrastination is bad. Half of these posts were written right before I went to bed and you can tell. 
  • Mom does not find my Pinterest posts amusing.
  • Food posts are always popular.
  • One year goes by really fast.

Thank you, readers! This year would not have been the same without you. Here’s to another year of blogging! (and hopefully this time I won’t miss a day in July)


A K Drama Evening (sort of)

Since I am in the middle of a couple different currently-airing Korean dramas, I decided yesterday to re-watch one. Alas, the process went something like this…

Me: I’m going to pick a favorite drama to re-watch! How hard can choosing one be? I really love Who Are YouI can re-watch that one.

Also me: But…I really love Master’s Sun, too. And Stars Falling From the Sky. And Healer. 

Me again: Why not finish one I started and stopped watching? I got too emotionally invested in I Hear Your Voice so I quit, but that was years ago. I could try that one again.

Me: If I’m going to finish a drama I got too involved in, I should finish Shut Up Flower Boy Band.

Also me: Or King 2 Hearts.

Me: *sobs internally* 

Me: Better not put myself through that. 

Me again: Start a new drama! How about the classic Shining Inheritance? Or I Am Sam. 

Also me: Finish one you quit! Finish High School King of Savvy! 

Me: Bethany hated that drama. 

Bethany: ….

Me: I’m going to go with Who Are You. There. Decision made! 

Me again: Which episode? 

Me:

Me: Obviously I’m not finding anything on DramaFever. Better check Viki. 

Repeat the above scene times 10. 

In the end, I didn’t watch anything! I went to bed. 

The struggle is real.